ANASTASYA VANINA

Horror is a form of energy, and there are no inexhaustible sources of energy. A lot of horror is spent on the very expectation of something terrible (suspense) – and now, when something terrible is already happening to us, we are not so horrified. War is horror every day, it is a tragedy that has become something ordinary.

The war in Ukraine has been going on for 9 years. But I live in Kyiv. Here, all these years, there has been no war as such, only its echo: refugees, news about the deaths of the military (not in such numbers as today), terrible stories about the russian Izolyatsia concentration camp in the Donbass.

Before the large-scale offensive of russia, the situation began to heat up. Foreign embassies left Kyiv. On the main square of the country, Maidan, the Reuters news agency installed a video camera.

Frankly, this caused bewilderment and indignation: do they think that the russians will land right here? Reuters just wants to record how Ukrainians are being killed?

We were offended and we joked. A man, right in front of the camera, launched a drone announcing the sale of his garage.

And on February 24, 2022, I woke up at 4 am, and after some time I heard multiple explosions, windows flew out in the entrance of my house. And I flew into a new reality.

Today, war has become commonplace, but at the first moment you are shocked. A rocket fragment fell almost near my house. I watched from the window how people were running, traveling with suitcases, bags, backpacks in different directions. I saw Kyiv become empty.

I stayed in Kyiv. For two reasons. I didn’t really realize the danger. And I did not want to be a speck of dust that some force drives out of the country.

I walked through an empty city. There were few civilians on the street, they lowered their eyes, no one reacted to the sounds of the cannonade. There were almost no cars on the street, only military vehicles. Our house is empty. There were empty houses all around.

Then in Kyiv there was a weak air defense and every night we thought: – I wonder if it will get into our house or not?

And during the day, artillery sounded – the Russians surrounded Kyiv.

I already vaguely remember, but in the early days there was no bread. I was less worried about this than problems with self-identification. I didn’t understand who I was, but it was kind of important to understand, because you could die at any moment.

To be honest, writing about the war is hard. I don’t even know why. As if you are sick with mutism, as if a minute of silence stretched out for an indefinite period.

Someone recently said that now every day in our country is a day of national tragedy. In my head, these are fragments – Bucha (killed, raped, tortured people – children, old people), Mariupol wiped off the face of the earth, killed prisoners in Olenivka, even blown up houses in relatively peaceful cities.

Acquaintances that you will never see again – not only professional soldiers, but filmmakers, singers, ballet dancers. So many handsome young guys – with beautiful smiles, athletic bodies. Why did they have to die? Just because there is a terrible country with terrible people nearby? Is it just because other countries lacked integrity and courage?

And how many people with disabilities, people who have lost their homes, and even entire cities. Children who have lost their fathers. Children abducted by russia.

Some things seem to be instant shots mounted in my mind – severed heads and other body parts, executions. From time to time there is an exchange of prisoners of war. Our soldiers are like the prisoners of Auschwitz. Sometimes, instead of living prisoners, we get the russians to return at least the dead bodies.

If anyone is wondering, I hate all russians. What is this hatred like? I don’t want to think about them, I want russia to cease to exist. I know it will be right.

The West evokes much more emotions in me. Yes, they help us, but very discreetly. And they disarmed us all this time before the war. We gave nuclear weapons to russia. Really, it’s funny? We were forced to hand over to russia or destroy other types of weapons. We are constantly held back, we are told that we must behave properly. At the same time, russia is bombing ports and grain warehouses in Odessa – this is what was supposed to go to Africa and other countries.

I am outraged by injustice. When russians blew up the Kakhovskaya hydroelectric power station – not just an environmental disaster, but hundreds of sunken cities and towns, many leading publications wrote that it was not known who was to blame.

It’s not just insulting and hypocritical. For Ukrainians, this means the following: russia can blow up the Zaporozhye nuclear power plant with impunity + russia can arrange a nuclear explosion on the territory of Ukraine.

In the meantime, I enjoy summer and warmth. Almost every night in May Kyiv was shelled with rockets: when fireballs flew past my house and the explosions were especially loud, I jumped out into the corridor. If you walk around Kyiv during the day, you will never know that all these people did not sleep at night. As if talking about nighttime explosions is bad form.

It saddens me that summer will soon be over. They say that the Russians are well prepared for the coming winter, which means that we can be left not only without electricity, but also without heating and water. I don’t want to think about it.

Do I believe this war will ever end? No, I can’t imagine that people live somewhere and don’t know what war is.

There are days when your entire twitter feed is an obituary.

I’m scrolling through, I don’t feel anything, and suddenly some face makes you cry.

Sometimes I get in the mood to argue with someone on social media. It can be funny arguments when we are told that we are Nazis. Now this topic seems to be dead. Now we are arguing about weapons that were not given to us or about the collapse of russia, which the West is trying to prevent. It reminds me of the plot of science fiction films, such as Alien or the TV series  Stranger Things. When the main character is not allowed to destroy the monster, because some Uncle Sam has paranoid plans, how this monster can be used.

To be honest, today Ukrainians are the most disappointed people in the world. We despise international organizations, we know that the UN, the Red Cross and so on are doing everything to cover up the crimes of russia. I despise the Oscar that was given to the film about Navalny – because Navalny is no different from putin. I despise russian liberals.

Social networks such as Twitter, Facebook, Instagram block information about the crimes of russians, and any of your negative statements about russia are called hate speech. But even if this is true, don’t we have the right to hate?

I remember how, in the first days of the war, some German intellectual wrote that Ukrainians should not be allowed into a normal society, because they stop russian tanks with their hands. Sometimes I think he is right – the gap between our world and the world where there is no war is huge.

We are asked why we do not want to negotiate. And as if they do not understand that russia does not need our territories – they turn cities into ashes and dust. The russians came to kill us all. This is not fantasy, not paranoia – this is the reality in which I live. And she doesn’t scare me anymore.

P.S. I did not write about the fact that huge territories of Ukraine are mined – this is how the Russians are trying to prevent the offensive of our troops. And even if the war ends, it will take several decades to clear all this. I didn’t write about the good stuff either. About how people save animals, sacrifice their lives for other people, about how, despite these horrors, Ukrainians constantly joke. It’s a nervous laugh, but it helps.